All Hail Bottle, King of Porn

Any serious pornoholic has definitely at least heard of the tube site known as xHamster.com. Most of you, I’m willing to wager, have fapped to it on more than one occasion. For some of you, it might even be your go-to porn tube site. And, if that is the case , you are certainly not alone. In fact , there are 10 million others who fap to xHamster frequently enough to be registered users. After Xvideos and Porn Hub , it is the third most popular pornographic site on the internet today. Headquartered in Limassol, Cyprus, xHamster was founded in 2007 by Alex Hawkings. The minds behind the site wanted to do something different from what they were seeing most porno sites doing at the time. Coming off of the peak popularity of social media sites like Facebook and Twitter , xHamsters founders set out to create a site that was equal parts porn tube and xxx social media site. A spokesperson for the site said of xHamster’s intentions that the site was meant for people who wanted to chat , exchange erotic pics and share amateur videos ... to find mutual friends online and maybe discover partners interested in intimate relationships." I think it is fair to say that x Hamster has done a bang-up job of providing the platform that they set out to provide , as it has become a cornucopia of amateur and homemade user-uploaded content. As far as the “ discover partners interested in intimate relationships” part is concerned , though , I cannot speak to. I have never felt the need to resort to a porn site to find my “ intimate relationships,” but I am very curious to know if anyone’s ever had any luck with that aspect of the site. The People’s Porn Network Along with so much user-uploaded content , though , controversy is bound to come sooner or later. With the number of people out there in the world who are sick fucks—not sick fucks who spend all day fapping in their mothers’ basements the way you are a sick fuck, I’m talking real , clinically ill sick fucks—a site like xHamster that allows its users to upload basically whatever they want was bound to become inundated with illegal and fucked up content. xHamster has not struggled in keeping up with the shifting social tides and establishing a sense of moral duty , though. In April of 2016, for example , North Carolina enacted laws that said its counties and cities were allowed to openly discriminate against members of the LGBT community. In response to this, xHamster blocked their site from any users with an IP address based in North Carolina. You might also recall hearing about the People V. Turner sexual assault case. To help combat the growing prominence of rape culture in America, xHamster banned all videos involving rape , including those which featured the fucking of unconscious partners. Their social and political involvements don’t stop there, though. One of my personal favorite political statements that they made came in response to the 2016 Democratic National Committee email leak , when they offered Debbie Wasserman Shultz $50,000 to star in a porno opposite a Bernie Sanders lookalike. You know , since she already fucked him out of the election. Ah, if that isn’t fucking gold, I don’t know what is. The Site Itself Obviously , xHamster has made quite a name for themselves in their relatively short period of time as a xxx social media/porn tube. But does the site itself hold up to all the hype? Well , let ’s take a look. From the moment you arrive at xHamster’s home page , it is hard not to be impressed by how clean and easy to navigate the web design is. With videos broken into two simple and distinct categories: hot porn videos and newest porn videos. You can also easily filter by best instead of newest and by length (which is a great feature , considering homemade videos, for some reason , tend to be significantly shorter in length ). To your left , you can easily filter search results by category , channel , or porn star by simply clicking on it. You can also combine tags together with one click—a great feature that, somehow , is glaringly missing from a lot of tube sites that I’ve browsed. Their professional studio content appears right alongside their teeming archive of homemade content , unless you specify otherwise. You can also conveniently filter the videos so that you only see straight , gay, or shemale videos. If you don’t discriminate at all in your hedonism, however , you can always activate all three. The most annoying thing that they added was a hardcoded watermark on top of the videos. It sometimes really messes with your fap experience , when you're about to see a guy jizz on a chick's face and then...BOOM! That damn watermark "this video has been uploaded to xHamster" appears on the chick's face like a motherfucking cockblocker! Seriously , whoever thought it was a good idea deserves a kick in the balls! As far as xHamster’s social media components are concerned , you have all the usual community-oriented features that you’d be used to on other similar sites (such as Porn Hub )—you can comment on/rate videos, add videos to your favorites, upload videos/pictures, and message users directly. One thing that really sets xHamster apart from the others, though , is that, when you click on their tab labeled “dating,” you are not brought to some sketchy third-party scam “ get laid tonight” If you’re looking for a massive (and I mean massive ) archive of porn videos, Video-One.com might be the place for you. I’m talking nearly 54,000 pages (yes, I said “pages”) of videos, each page containing around 360 videos. Now math was never my strong suit but I think that adds up to a grand total of nearly 20 million videos! Considering the fact that Video-one is adding new content every day even the loneliest, horniest fappers among us would never run out of material on this tube site. From the moment you arrive to video-one.com ( make sure you don’t forget the hyphen; Video-One is a video chatting client ), you are immediately in the thick of all that the site has to offer. At the top of the page find 50 or so suggested categories to choose from (“ brother ” “ extra small ” “caught stealing ,” and “ amateur compilation” to name a few ). Lots of Raw Hardcore Content These tags probably give you a pretty good idea of what to expect from Video One. Another way to get an idea of the sort of content they offer is to take a look at what sites they link to: xHamster, Beeg, TXXX, and DTVideo are a few. What this should tell you is that a majority of the content will be homemade, or at least amateur-inspired. You might label a lot of it Gonzo. I tend to use the term “raw.” We’re talking productions akin to Casting Couch Fake Taxi and Asian Street Meat. Granted, Video-One does have the occasional HD studio video thrown in here and there, the majority of their content if not full-on homemade, is from one of these studios that specializes in raw content. Be Careful What You Click On Video-One also seems to cater to the demographic of pornophiles who fancy the more taboo type stuff —daddy/daughter, brother/sister incest roleplay. Well at least I hope it’s all roleplay. Some of the videos in these sections are from easily recognized, reputable studios, but a good portion of them look to be very homemade and are tagged with things like “ Real Sister.” I have no way of verifying whether or not these videos are actually illegal or not. I sure as hell ain’t clicking on that shit. I wish that you sick incestuous fucks would get the fuck away from the legal web. Stick to the dark web for nasty shit like that. Furthermore, I really think tube sites like Video-One should draw a hard line in the sand against illegal content like this. Even if these aren’t true incest videos, why even entertain that they might be? Anything tagged with something like “ Real Sister” should be immediately removed from your site. This kind of shit, unfortunately, spoils what could have been a great tube site for me. It should not be on the viewer’s discretion to view illegal or potentially abusive content. That becomes your responsibility the moment you decide to make a porn site. How the fuck is this a thing that I can’t even skim through a tube site without worrying about whether or not doing so will get me put on some FBI list that I have no business being on? Come on, Video-One, get your fucking shit together. Having said that, be careful what you click on if you decide to visit this site. If you’re okay with sifting through potentially illegal content there is a lot of legit, above-board material here to enjoy. And, again, a fucking massive amount of it. Just to illustrate I was on the site for 10 minutes before refreshing the homepage. In that 10 minutes, 15 new videos had been uploaded. That’s crazy. You’ll never run out of videos to choose from on Video-One. A Labyrinth of Pornography The site itself is designed pretty wonderfully Either As far as ads are concerned there are some, but most are thoughtfully kept to the bottom of pages. Which, given the number of videos that appear on each page , you’d have to do a hell of a lot of scrolling to ever find them. I do appreciate that aspect. However , once you do get to them, there are shit load. No ads before videos, though. You will run into the occasional pop-up, new tab ad when you click on a video, but at least it’s not every fucking time you click on something like it is on a lot of other sites. I would obviously prefer none , but if I have to search for them, then I guess these ads are somewhat excusable. Besides the majority of the on-page ads are for other tube sites (which is very convenient if you want to get the fuck away from the incest bullshit), and the new tab pop-ups were often pages that were unable to load in private mode. I’m not sure exactly what this means, but if I can’t see the ad, I’m happy. A Brief Call to Action Before You Get Back to Fappin’ To be honest I am really turned off by the potentially illegal content to be found on Video-One. It’s a shame too, because Video-One has so much potential to be a great porn site with a shit ton of content to choose from. Even if they removed all of their potentially illicit videos, they would still have a massive archive to explore. All of us porn addicts need to come together and just stomp this kind of shit out of our community. Flag shit that looks sketchy. If you can. Video-One, unfortunately, doesn’t offer that feature. Step up and take on the fucking responsibilities that come with having a porn site or don’t have one. It’s as simple as that. All hail the almighty Porn Hub ! The king of porn sites! Founded in 2007 by Matt Keezer, who sold it to Fabian Thylmann in 2010, because the fucker probably cared more about the money than the website itself! (Would you refuse of the Manwin branch which is now known as 'Mindgeek'. Other giants in the network include sites like YouPorn and Redtube. Although Porn Hub is currently not the most popular porn site in the world it does hold more pornographic content than any other website out in the romantic comedy movie 'Don John' of 2013? It's about a fap addict that can't stop masturbating on porn sites, even though he has a very active sex life. I wonder why the fuck they asked that closet faggot Joseph Gordon-Levitt for your cumshot with the stars in the video. It can be so annoying that the guy and the video is already done! I assume if a video got you off or not. By registering an account, which is 100 free by the way you encounter , you can also easily can remove up your hairy ass with Bubba in jail ! From innocent looking teens showing their naked bodies to spazzed out crack whores being choked, spit on and having every hole violated by a hockey team , this site has it all. Do you like pornstars like Mia Khalifa, Chyna and Stormy Daniels? No problem , click on the pornstars' menu tab how she's able to afford off on Porn Hub ( often misspelled as 'pron hub ", "pirnhub", "prnhub", "poenhub", "hubporn", "phub" or "potnhub"), then you cant get off anywhere! In case the ads annoy you, you want to download or watch for a friend 's birthday! Imagine the look on his face , when he opens your present. His eyes will be shattered with tears, and you can be sure that this is one gift he won't be selling on eBay again afterward! You can even upload your homemade sex tape and get paid up to $5,000 by using their amateur payment program and become the next amateur porn star. Don't you want to be the next big thing in pornography?

The ancient stories always prophesized of His return, the marked one, the sadistic Solomon of sex movies and purveyor of porn videos. Now, almost a thousand years since his last appearance (in Internet time that's about seven years), the Pharaoh of Free Porn, the Gargantuan God of Gaping Girls, the Monster of MILF and Mature Porn, the Ruler of Red Heads and Rough Sex, the Thunder-god of Thumbs and Tubes, the King Himself is born again. All hail, Bottle.